DAY 1 - YOGA EVERY DAMN DAY: This morning, right before my 6:30 hot yoga class, I realized I've neglected my dog's nails. This may not sound like a big deal but it is to me and his extra long dewclaws. The entire walk to class, I was berating myself for being so neglectful, wondering when my Vet was open today, debating whether I would even get an appointment because of the holiday weekend and muttering "stupid" over and over again like Rain Man minus the twitch. To me, it was a sign that I wasn't focused on the right things and hence the ball-dropping-disaster. Then there was yoga. And in that hot space, there was freedom from my perceived failings as a parent. In that freedom, there was openness and acceptance. And with that acceptance, I became the woman that got shit done again. And in this way, I will make an effort to practice mindfulness every day. I will not become frantic. I will not lose my cool. I will return to my breath during a crisis, during a class, on a run or in the middle of a crowd. I will practice this yoga every damn day. And I will get a vet appointment on a holiday weekend.
DAY 2 - MEDITATE: My mind only gets quiet after about 10 miles of a long run and so it's pretty clear, to me at least, that I'm not one of those sit in a quiet room with a candle lit types. I can't imagine chanting or clearing my mind on command. What I am is unapologetically fast paced. But, today I had "meditate" on my mind when I started my long run and when I came off the trail and down a hill into miles 11-15, I decided to push it into whatever meditative state I had in me. Apparently, for this runner, space and clarity with a layer of self-awareness comes readily when she's running 7:30/miles. It was like I blacked out at mile 11 and woke back up at mile 15, refreshed and smiling, with absolutely no agenda on my radar. The world and the trail, with all of the other runners, riders, walkers and puppies, faded to black and it was just me and my breath. And so, mediation station was achieved in such a fantastic way today that I'm still smiling about it.
DAY 3 - RISE & SHINE!: I'm always up and attacking the day at 5AM. Today, a Saturday, was no different in that regard. The time and scene was the same: Me, coffee in hand, walking a very sniffy and inquisitive Charlie around the neighborhood before I ran off to practice. The attitude was what needed adjusting. Usually, I'm multitasking by 5:20AM - loading/unloading the dishwasher, responding to work emails that came in after I'd gone to sleep, responding to questions from parents about time/location/distance of the upcoming practice, eating breakfast, making coffee, feeding Charlie and then ushering him out the door, blackberry in hand, distracted. But not today. This time, my phone stayed in my pocket and I focused on the way my coffee woke me up, the fact that it was a clear night sky above me and a chilly fall breeze filling me up, watching Charlie investigate the same leaf for 30 seconds without nudging him along, feeling my body slowly wake up and loosen up from yesterday's running and yoga, and I took the time to realize my gratitude for the day and for being healthy enough to enjoy it. I unplugged and woke up slowly today and it made all the difference.
DAY 4 - RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS: It is the Sunday of Labor Day Weekend. I am awake at 6AM, slightly hungover and trying to fly out the door by 8AM to get on with a much needed weekend away at my parents' place in the "country" (read: not the hot, gross, dirty city of late August). I am making coffee, feeding Charlie, walking Charlie, folding laundry, packing, emptying the fridge of anything food-related and otherwise preparing my house for an invasion of my husband's delco fantasy football league; I am wrapping up extra CSA veggies to take to my mom and, just as I'm falling out of the house and frantically packing my car, I run smack into the adorable imp of woman that is the mother of my brand new neighbor. And before I know what's happening, I'm being summoned, over the pile of trash the pretty imp moved from her daughter's stoop to mine, to meet the new couple I now share a brick wall with. And there she is: the new neighbor even more frantic and stressed than I am, being drug to the same stoop by the same imp, through even more trash to meet me. And so, I took a deep breath, and was the calm one. I smiled my most welcoming smile, made small talk, wished a ton of luck and good weather, reminded them this is supposed to be fun, and walked safely back to the comfort of my own house to resume my own whirlwind. Sometimes the kindness we find is so common it's often overlooked. This reminder meant that I put community above self for 5 minutes; something I intend to do over and over again from here on out.
DAY 5 - GET RID OF A BAD HABIT: (Happy to say I'm 8 days into this one.) Binging. My relationship with food is far from unique. In fact, I'd bet it's far more common than even I can really imagine. But no one really talks about it. It's like the ghost in the pantry (or the refrigerator) that you look in the eye and whisper "shhhh" to in the darkness. So here it is: my broken silence, my admission, my recognition and my daily reminder. Whether it's after drinking a bottle of champagne with friends or under the guise of "carbing up for a long run," coming home and quietly eating half a bag of chips, pretzels, cheese, grapes, 30 Hershey's kisses, bread and ice cream before dinner isn't healthy. So there it is. It's something I've been capable of my entire life; something that has been managed well for all of those years; and, just recently, something that I'm so willing to control and own that I'm not afraid to talk about it anymore. I'm taking it out of the shadows and putting it under the florescents. Perhaps, the secrecy was more of the bad habit.
DAY 6 - START A NEW ROUTINE: I have consistently set an alarm every day for years. This weekend, I stopped. On Saturday and Sunday, over the long weekend, I let my body naturally wake up. And it was glorious. I feel completely recharged and a bit free. So, no more alarms on Sundays. Watch out world, I'm sleeping in!
DAY 7 - THANK YOU: When I first wake up, I always thank the universe for something. Today it was the steady thump of Charlie's tail hitting my left leg when he heard the alarm. He wakes up every single day with such joy in his heart and ready to share it with me. A few minutes of face licking later, and we are both ready to greet the day.
DAY 8 - MANIFESTING DREAMS: Saving Money or, to put it another way, not wasting money on stupid things like a midday Pellegrino, an unreasonable 2nd illy (oh so expensive yet delicious) coffee of the morning, Birchbox (loved it since May 2011 but...enough is enough), Taxis home from work (very slippery, lazy slope here), and random trips to Banana Republic to kill time before appointments to name a few. There are obvious things I can cut out immediately (Pellegrino, Coffee, clothes, taxis etc.) but there are other things or actions that are available to me that could actually generate some cash that I have yet to take advantage of: (1) holding a yard sale (Scheduled for October!), (2) collect and keep track of loose change (I've been historically horrible at holding on to this and not just throwing it in a drawer - no more!), and (3) Consignment shops (hello, I've got handbags, shoes, belts and dresses galore that may actually pull in some cash!). With this, I'm going to change the way I look at money, even the $2.25 for a large illy, and work toward conservation. #boom
DAY 9 - TRUE FORGIVENESS: Today started with the very fresh memory of a number on the scale yesterday morning that I didn't love. 16 miles in 2:22, 2 walks with Charlie, food shopping, cooking for 4 hours, cleaning, walking to pick up bibs for a 10K in the Italian Market, cooking for 4 more hours, decorating for a post-race brunch the following day, and an hour of yoga later, I decided to embrace my strength and my endurance and forgive myself for equating beauty and my own worth with a number on the scale. And so, there was pizza for dinner and an exhausted runner content to fall asleep after a hard fought, beautiful day in her own skin.
DAY 10 - GET CREATIVE: I put on a small show today: brunch for 20 immediately following a 10K. I got to shower in the 20 minutes I had to myself before the first guests arrived and all of the food was hot - I call this a double win. I poured the creativity into food and logistics today. Everything was ready ahead of time, waiting safely in the fridge to be popped into a hot. Banana Bread and Apple Muffins were on the table with the fruit salad, mimosas were flowing, beer chilling, and the main courses heating up along side the bacon. Out came the hot stuff, the bacon and the deviled eggs with an heirloom tomato salad - as if all on cue without me having to think twice about it. If ever there was a time to say this, it's now: BOOM.
DAY 11 - RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS: Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. Even kindness can backfire. Today, a little baking and a surprise landed me with hurt feelings. But, rather than the easy (passive aggressive) road, I chose to smile, nod and wave off (literally) the negativity that radiated through me from a few simple words. I chose, instead, to double down on the kindness factor, forgive and move on. This last random act of kindness was for me, then, in the letting go and in the realization that I only control my actions. How others choose to react is on them. Today, I chose kindness - twice - and am happier for it.
DAY 12 - GET SHIT DONE: Of all of the Mondays in all of the world, this task on this Monday was an uphill battle. I didn't sleep last night. I set my house alarm off this morning. The alarm company called me copping an attitude at 5:21AM. The police came. And, still, I recovered with a 10 Mile run, straightening my hair (#morningwin) a trip to the doctor in preparation for a vacation that may include a bit (or a lot) of motion sickness, laying the groundwork for a community yard sale in 30 days, oh yea - work and meetings, and lunch with a bff before she heads off to Spain for what feels like forever. All before I go home and make flatbread. From. Scratch. Even without sleep, I will get shit done by digging deep and running hard. #IAMARUNNER #WATCHTHEFOUT
DAY 13 - BE FEARLESS: My biggest problem? I say "yes" to everyone and everything that I can possibly fit into my Franklin Covey Day/Week/Month/Life planner. And, not surprisingly, I am left exhausted, stressed and over-stimulated by the end of almost every weekend...and, if I'm being totally honest, sometimes altogether weepy at the thought of starting yet another work week on zero rest. So, today I said NO. And, again, if I'm being 100% truthful, I was 50/50 right up until the moment I said it. But when I did, the world did not implode and I felt liberated. So I kept saying it (at least 3x today) to commitments for tonight, this Sunday and into October. No, it's too late. No, I'm going to stay in and read a bit. No, I've got a 20 mile run that morning. NO. NO. NO. And here I am: living to tell about it.
DAY 14 - CLEAN OUT!: This is my specialty. And because my inboxes, office, cabinets and 50% of my closets are clutter free and beautiful, the focus is once again on my magical community-wide yard (and bake) sale planned for October 12th! This weekend I'm spending some real QT with my basement and the other 50% of my closets...dusting, organizing, categorizing and pricing everything that has not been used, shared, or worn in the last 12 months. I feel like a kid on Christmas. #Isaidit.
DAY 15 - SWEAT: I started this day thinking I would write about the hot yoga class I took at 6:30AM and sweating out the wine I had the night before. But the day went where it was always going to go and I find myself writing about the hardest 2 miles I've run in the recent past. It was 88 and humid on September 11th. The sun was not hiding and at mile 1.25 I was certain of only the facts that (1) I'm old and (2) advil was not even pretending to address my cramps. If not for an 8th grader running next to me, I would have stopped, panted and probably cried all the way home and into the shower. And so I find myself grateful for that last sweat of the day and for the littlest push from the littlest runner that got me through it. Because that is where you become great - in the pain and in the sweat.
DAY 16 - THE ALTER: My alter is not tangible. It is not a place or a posture. Rather, it is the last two miles; the last 17 minutes; the last deep breaths; and the last push of any run. Today it was miles 16 and 17. Although the weather let up from yesterday, my body hasn't. I was ravaged by cramps, dehydration, fatigue and ridiculous heart burn from miles 3-15.95 today. And then, like magic, mile 16 ticked itself off and there I was: back in the silence and the clouds, the hyper focus of meditation, the pace, the wind, the movement, and the stride. I cease to exist and am but motion. Here at my alter; the rest fades.
DAY 17 - I LOVE YOU: I'm not sure if I was more open to it today or if I had this part of the challenge on my mind but today was so full I hardly know where to start. Love was staggering out of bed this morning after 4.5 hours of sleep to run to pick up members of my team for a half marathon on the other side of the city from my bed. Love was hugging my best girlfriend with words escaping her when she is too overwhelmed to not cry before this early morning run. Love was in every one of the hundred plus high fives we got today from all of the other kids and adults wearing the neon blue Students Run Philly Style badge of honor. Love was eating bananas and rolling around in the wet grass of the Azalea Garden after the race. Love was hugging me and saying "I love you" when she got out of my car after the race. Love was a surprise visit from Charlie's best friend (dog walker) and witnessing first hand how much my pup adores this big hulking giant of a man. Love was listening to the rain and not napping while emailing with my soul mate while she's away on a Wisconsin adventure of her own. And, most of all, love was a random text from my sister reminding me that I am where I am meant to be and that's just perfect. So, in the words of whatever song plays throughout Love Actually, "...love is all around us."
DAY 18 - MOTHER NATURE: It was 54 degrees outside when I woke up. The blue Students Run Philly Style Marathon Finisher hoodie came out of the hope chest and Charlie and I were on our way out the door for our first walk of (what truly felt like) the Fall. It was 90 minutes of chilly hands wrapped around hot coffee, deep breaths in, a frolicking puppy by my side, and no where to be but right there in the grass dumping red and yellow leaves on a white dog's head. The way he rolled around under the clear blue sky made me stop everything and just enjoy the moment as he saw it: "Oh mommy, isn't this so awesome - we're both just here."
DAY 19 - RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS: For myself. PJs by 4PM. Heating pad on my extremely messed up neck. The Book Thief. And, a little quiet with Charlie.
DAY 20 - SOMETHING NEW: I had an entire hour free, randomly, in the middle of the afternoon today. Almost more important than the way I spent it (on the stoop reading The Book Thief with Charlie on my lap) is the ways I did not spend it: working, cleaning, returning emails or texts, preparing a meal, pacing, folding laundry, returning calls, checking my work voicemail, mapping out the rest of the kids' marathon training, planning my next dinner party, fretting in general, or worrying that I should be do something better, differently or more. It was an incredibly simple hour.
DAY 21 - SELF LOVE: I was hurting on my run today. Cold sweats from too much coffee at mile 2, heartburn at miles 4-8, utter shame at how bad I felt at mile 9 and so it went. But, after the 10 miles was over, I took a moment to remember that a mile is a mile - no matter the speed. I moved my body for 10 miles today and that is something I couldn't even dream of doing 5 years ago. I'm stronger than I think I am on my darkest days and more resilient than I've yet to fully understand. I am more than a moment of sadness. I am undefeated. I am.
Twenty one days later, on September 17, 2014, after another round of "back to school" refreshing has taken place, I'm happier and more whole for having done this challenge. Crazed Jen met Mindful Jen halfway, it appears. I was forced to think outside of the black and white, the 4 lines that create our boxes, the left and the right, the North and the South, and I saw some things. Parts of me need opening. And some others need explaining. And that's OK. What did I pull from the last three weeks? Imperfection. I yanked the ugliness out, looked at it and decided that the only thing making it ugly was a slant placed on it by the greater "they". Happiness is choosing you over them. So, I thank this yoga girl. And I'm choosing me.
