This is Where I Belong.

Start where you are.

Use what you have.

Do what you can.

- Arthur Ashe -

At 33, I can finally say and mean, "there is always, always, always something to be thankful for."  If you look hard enough, you will likely find, as I have, that good is admirably purposeful; that bad isn't always; and sometimes gray is stunning in its simplicity.  And, it is a firm balance of all three that creates who we become.  

I found this balance often in 2013:

1. In Boston, on April 15, 2013, when runners helped other runners up; and heroes ran toward the bombing and not away from it.  Knowing you will always find people who are helping is a powerful, human kind of faith that I'm only finding in adulthood.
2. During a conversation I overheard at the ODDyssey Half Marathon, a race punctuated by costumes and lawn games held in Philadelphia every June, between two men in their 30's, one wearing tight jean shorts and no shirt and the other wearing a batman costume made for a child.
   Jean Shorts: "I'm on pace for a PR so I'm going to keep on going, OK?"
   Batman: "Go get it man, I can't stay with you that long - I'm stopping at the Slip-N-Slide."
3. In the middle of a Students Run huddle on a frigid, sleet-filled, March afternoon or stretching out after the hottest August practice on record:  the moment when you realize that, no matter what, these kids show up for you and you for them.
4. Setting a PR (45:43) at Cooper River Park at the SJAC No Frills, Just Thrills 10K and knowing you only came in as "second female" to a 16 year old girl.
5. In reading"Omnivore's Dilemma" and Scott Jurek's "Eat & Run" and in the result: taking control of what I put into my body and where it comes from.
6. When your seven year old puppy keeps you out for two hours on a Fall Sunday morning bouncing from park to park, rolling around, sprinting after leaves, chasing sticks and acting like the kid you still hope he is inside.  
7. During the National Anthem, at Sunrise, before the Marine Corps. Marathon in October, standing in stunned silence as the American Flag descends to earth on the backs of parachutists; resolving to crush the race ahead; and bringing home a new PR (3:46:16).
8. On long runs with the women you were always meant to find your stride beside. 
9. Those moments of such intense pain when you're stopped, bent and praying you will be able to find a cab at 6:00AM in University City.
10. Lying on the snow-covered, uneven payment, in the dark at 5:45AM, on Kelly Drive, having just fallen, for the second year in a row, days before the Philly Marathon.
11. Suffering a loss so staggering that all you are left with is patience and toughness and the idea that, someday, all of the pain will be useful to you.
12. Finishing the 2013 Philly Marathon in 4:27:56, step for step with someone who inspires you with her determination, fearlessness and gumption; someone who knows weakness and distraction and rises above them both; someone who pushed you to have faith and to push her to a new marathon PR at the age of 16.
13. With ankle up, iced and resting, "every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning and I find myself careening into places where I should not let me go," and circling back to strength and patience; to be objective enough to find the lesson in everything.
14. At the intersection of Wolf and S. Lambert Streets in South Philly on December 7, 2013 at 7:00AM, just as the sun was touching the day, where hundreds of Ultra Marathoners gathered for the inaugural Rocky 50K Fat Ass Race, and I was silently praying that I was strong enough and resolute enough to begin and finish this crazy idea.  
15. In the strength you find to run up 72 steps, with "Eye of a Tiger" blaring, after just running 31 miles…and the view from the top.
16. On the long, thankless runs where no one is there to cheer or give you water; deep in the woods or on unbearable stretches of pavement; early in the morning or long after the sun has gone down: the ability to see that any chance you get to run is a gift.  
17. Flashing back to the old man in the wheelchair at mile 23 of the Philadelphia Marathon and the sign he held high enough to stand out among all of the others: "Look at me and Run harder!"
18. Reveling in the fact you're not green anymore; this sport is not new; and your body is not untried.    
19. For the pre-marathon hugs just as Students Run Philly Style students made their way to the start line this year! 
20. Wondering how many more marathons you have left.
21. Chasing 2000 miles in 2013, falling 38 miles short and choosing to be grateful for the miles that happened rather than lament those that didn't.  

This is where I take out my frustrations, my fears, my sadness, my insecurities.

This is where I find my hope, my faith, my dreams, my happiness.

This is where I belong.

This is my soul searching.